Seeking Daisy
my name is Daisy… this is about my journey to lose (weight), to find (life) and to grow (in my relationship with Jesus)…Depression versus unresolved issues?
I am at a very low low. I don’t have any energy. I am tired. I just want to lie on my bed and sleep sleep sleep and forget about everything!
I am wondering… when is it depression? Do I get back on the medication-wagon and accepting that depression will be part of my life going forward… OR when is it unresolved issues in a person’s life that eats away at you and ruins and destroys you?
Father’s Day… my new father (to be)
My own dad passed away 20 years ago. So, for 20 years Father’s Day was just another normal Sunday…. Actually a day I usually felt down and lonely, because I missed my dad.
Today will be different. We are going to “S’s” parents for a Father’s Day Sunday lunch. I know he is not my real dad, but that’s okay…
I am not strong.
For almost eight years I have been taking anti-depressants. In January 2010 I stopped taking medication. I did do this with the help of a psychiatrist, but it was a new doctor and not the one that knew me well. So, why did I go to a new doctor? Well, I was scared that the doctor that knew me, would be hesitant to let me stop with the medication…
I don’t have much to say today, except that I am sad. I am crying. I am scared of life. Don’t know which way to go…
This morning when I walked into the office, I was crying. Before getting out of my car, I was crying. I switched on my computer. I have been receiving a daily message from Joel Osteen Ministries and this message was waiting for me…
Dear Daisy,
Today, I want you to know … God’s plans for your life are so much greater than you can imagine. Whenever you experience trouble, challenges and difficulty — the lemons of life — God’s desire isn’t just to bring you through it or for you to just survive! His purpose is to reward you by making something GREAT out of what seems hopeless or feels painful. God’s promise is so amazing to us! When we get a dose of trouble, when we get lemons in life, God’s heart for us isn’t to just pay us back. He wants to give us double for our trouble. Maybe you’ve lost your job or had some really bad financial breaks lately. You can get discouraged and cynical and feel bad for yourself. Or you can trust that God’s going to “make some lemonade”; you can stay encouraged and believe that He’s preparing a much better job for you even now. Or it could be you’ve had a major blow-up in one of your most cherished relationships. You can cast blame, hold on to your pain and refuse to forgive. Or you can choose to forgive, keep loving that person, and believe that through this misunderstanding God is going to take your relationship to a whole new level of trust and enjoyment.
Whenever you go through challenges, God’s desire isn’t to “reimburse” you . . . He wants to promote you beyond where you were before!
Victoria and I want to encourage you today to continue trusting in the goodness of God. He won’t let you down. Continue to put your hope and trust in Him! Expect to come out BETTER than you were before. Enlarge your vision and allow God to breathe new life into your situation. Stop talking about how big your problems are and start talking about how big your God is! God loves you so much, and I want you to know you’ve not yet begun to see all that God has prepared for your life. It’s so much better than you’ve ever imagined!
Can this be true? For me?
My struggle…
Today has been difficult. Friends invited me to for lunch, but because of my diet and not feeling stong enough to say ‘no’ to certain foods, I decided to not go. S was also not here today – he was away for the day and I didn’t see him all day. But this seems such “small” things. I mean there are some really bad things happening to people out there that are much worst!
Why then could I not stop crying? Why did I feel so extremely low? Why am I struggling soooooo much???
I am overwhelmed by such an intense sadness…
I just feel like lying on my bed, curling up and crying myself to sleep and sleep and sleep… forever.
What a colourful day!
Soccer-fever is high in South Africa! It was such a nice feeling to drive to work today! All around people were waving and blowing vuvuzelas. People are dressed in green and gold are ready for the kick-off! I am amazed at how sport can unite a nation!
Well, we are only working halfday today, so I must get busy… I still have lots to do before I can hit the road!!! Yippee!
Am I good enough to be loved?
I have already past the age when most women get married. So… for a long time I thought marriage was something that will not cross my path. And I thought of various reasons:
Maybe I was too fat to be loved! Who would want to spend the rest of their lives with me anyway? Am I interesting enough for a man to be interested in me? etc.
Then last year in October, I met someone. And he actually started to like me. During December 2009 we went away on holiday and in January 2010 on my birthday, we started dating.
Things are serious and we have decided on a wedding date – 16 April 2011.
Sometimes I get scared that this new-found love and happiness will be stolen away from me. I know – maybe I am paranoid, but sometimes I think it is too good to be true!
On Sunday, for example, we had an argument. And he said something about our relationship and how we often (which I do not agree with) have disagreements. That night I was so worried – what if this doesn’t work out?!?!?! I really love him and I know he loves me too.
When we do not see each other he phones me at about 7pm at night – every night!. So, with yesterday being Monday, I thought he might not phone after our disagreements…. I thought the worst things… maybe he will end our relationship… maybe I will be single and all alone for the rest of my life anyway…
At 6.45pm the phone rang – it was him. We had a nice chat, but I know deep down inside my heart, there was still this nervous feeling… Then about an hour or so later, he phoned again and we had a nice long chat. We made jokes and laughed like before. I was relieved.
He phone earlier today to say he was coming to visit me tonight…. I cannot wait!
Is this a diet blog?
I don’t think so. I am asking this question after a comment on my previous mail. Well, I definitely did not think I would start on a diet when I started the blog last month. Things just worked out this way.
I guess that I why I speak about this as a journey… you never know what will come up along the way.
It is Monday. Friday is the start of the World Cup soccer here in South Africa. There is this exciting vibe all around. People are driving around with small RSA flags – something I probably won’t do… but you never know!?!?!?
Saying farewell…
I have been quiet over the past few days – let me tell you why. Yesterday I went to see a doctor that specializes in obese patients. I had a good meeting with him and I was shocked to see that I do not weigh 132kgs, but 135.5kgs! This is the heaviest I have been!
I have also been struggling with some pains in my right lower leg. 
I also decided to go and see my doctor who sent me for a sonar to see if it is not maybe deep vein thrombosis (blood clots). It was not a pleasant experience and I wanted to run away (ha-ha! me run? 
) when I read the report: ” …study was extremely difficult owing to the patient’s habitus.” Due to the fact that english is not my firts language, I was not really sure what the word : “habitus” meant, but I knew it has something to do with being huge! According to Wipedia “habitus” means: (In medicine and psychology) susceptibility to certain types of physical disorders associated with particular body constitution types .
Today I went to buy all the goodies (veg, greens, lean mince, chicken, etc.) I will need for the diet.
Tonight I had some steak and potatoes for dinner … saying farewell to my old habits…
Tomorrow I will start…
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life. I am scared. I was told the first four days will be very difficult… I am really scared of failure (how often have I said this???)
I choose to succeed! I will do this!!! I can do this!!!!!!!
It has been crazy…
Since I wrote my previous post, so many things happened. But here I am – back again! Let me tell you about my first 3 days of my 320 challenge:
Day 1: I woke up very motivated to start with the challenge. I had low GI toast with a scrambled egg and tomato (no butter, etc.) for breakfast. Lunch was some salad and a tiny piece of chicken (I was very good – it was only white meat – no skin!). Then dinner came – we had a function at school of the niece of my boyfriend and it was a dinner with foods from about 8 of the different countries coming to SA for the world cup soccer! Well, that says it all…
I am scared when I start tomorrow, I will once again fail! Failure is something I know far too well!
Day 2: I again started the day with two low GI slices of toast with scrambled egg and tomatoes (no butter!). Then…. I became so sad sitting at my desk … thinking about the ‘huge’ amount of weight I have to lose… I phoned a colleague friend who had lost weight on a special program… we had coffee… we chatted… After our chat, I phoned the doctor she sees (he specializes in obesity) and I have an appointment to see him tomorrow morning at 9am.
Day 3: The last day before I see the ‘obesity’ doctor tomorrow. It is 9.15am… I have had a chocolate muffin as a pre-breakfast snack. Then I ate a full english breakfast!
I feel terribly uncomfortable!!!!
I feel ridiculous!!!!!
I feel embarrassed!!!!
I feel like a failure!!!!!
I do not want to fail at this!!!
